Tiger Mum Alert

The urban dictionary defines a tiger mother as:

"A mother who is overly strict with her child in order to foster an academically competitive spirit. This form of upbringing is intended to direct a child towards financially successful careers at the potential risk of feeling emotionally unfulfilled and/or socially inept. 

I was oblivious to this term until we moved to Asia in early 2016. Initially, I guessed that this term was something specific to Asian mums who signed their kids up for every extra curricular activity (ECA) possible and academically, their child was pushed to outshine everyone else and A's are the only acceptable grade... 

 I've met some amazing mums and dads here and they are so supportive of their kids and want nothing but the best for their future and as a result their 7 year olds start their school day at 7.30 with the rest of their classmates, attend an ECA straight after school and whilst their friends are then having a play date or just chilling out; they are starting their first hour of mandarin tuition or advanced mathematics!! 

Hearing what some of the kids do, makes me exhausted (and with my current pregnant state, that really doesn't take much).

I now realise that "tiger mums" are not always Asian women, pushing their children to their academic limits at all costs... I've met some tiger parents from all parts of the world, from all cultures and religions and it genuinely surprised me. 

I am not here to judge but when I have heard some parents talk to their children as if they were in the World Cup final and their family's entire future depends on the next 90min, when in actual fact they are at a school musical performance or even worse, a birthday party game (true story!) it shocks the bejesus out of me!! 

They are kids! Let them have fun... unstructured, aimless fun. Childhood is so short and it seems like kids are expected to grow up earlier and earlier. I think when I was 7, I was still making "perfume" with my friends in the local park and playing handstand games against the school walls for hours at a time. 

 I am 100% not a tiger mum! I try and make sure my kids have loads of "down time" and they do no extra academic work when they leave school at 2.30.. this year they are both taking up sports and Cub has decided he wants to play guitar and we are behind him.  I think a boy that can play guitar, or any musical instrument, has a slightly better chance with the ladies later in life (you're welcome future Mrs Cub!). 

It's not that I don't want to push my kids it's just that I think sometimes it's so easy to forget these kids are babies; the last thing I want them doing is being burned out by the time they hit double digits! 

And then, without any warning an email which took approximately 30 seconds to read, changed everything!! In hindsight, I feel it should have come with a health warning..

                                            **************Warning*******************

 By the time you have read this email, you will completely question your view yourself as a parent! Within these few lines, you will question your own upbringing, that of your partner and you will most probably go into a cold sweat and probably silently panic. All of this whilst being ridiculously proud and probably want to make yourself a "My kid is awesome" tshirt!

                                         ***************************************

Cub, had been given a place in the school's gymnastics boy level 1 team. He, with a handful of other Year 2 boys, would be representing the school at competition event! Wow, this is huge! 

 Now to put this into perspective, Jacob had been participating in gymnastics for one hour a week for the last year and was really enjoying it but it wasn't something he showed real passion and desire to pursue. He wasn't cartwheeling down the street or anything but he was having fun in class.

 He had been participating in Chelsea football classes every Saturday morning and he looked so bloody cute in his kit! His daddy, a ridiculously huge Chelsea and football/soccer fan, would sit at every training session and cheer on his boy and dream of him eventually appreciating the beautiful game and developing this lifelong love affair for the game (& team) that his daddy had... this never happened.

 As the new school year started, cub explained that football wasn't his thing and he didn't want to do it anymore. We had agreed last year that he would try it for a year and if it wasn't for him, he could stop and now the day had arrived. 

I saw a small part of my husband's heart die in that moment. Don't get me wrong, he loves cub with such vigour and devotion that it's awe inspiring,  but realising that he wouldn't be on the stands when his son held the Champions League trophy for Chelsea was a moment for him (but never say never!!) 

 This email instantly started me thinking about my childhood and the sports/activities I involved myself in.

 I have the most wonderful and supportive parents and I truly believe they are my biggest fans in life. But when I was growing up, I gave up on so many passions and often question whether that was a result of them loving me so much and not wanting to push me. They never forced me to go to any classes and when I chose to give up ice skating as the lessons were too early in the morning or stop cello as the instrument was just too bloody big to carry home, they were fine with it.. and now I'm an adult, I regret my choices so much. I don't for one second think I had the potential to be a professional figure skater but I wonder what might have been and the same with the cello... what if? What if they had discussed these things with me and we agreed a time frame for me to pursue these activities and they would be there at every training and they would get me there on time and ensure I was doing my follow up work so I was ready for my next lesson? What if they had decided that I would be a world class figure skater and they signed me up for lessons every day?

You never know ,I may even have been the first world class figure skater cellist or I could have grown to completely resent them and dyed my hair purple, covered my body in piercings and rebelled?? Who knows?

So what is the balance? Is there such a thing? How can I best support my child so that he grows and flourishes whilst encouraging him to pursue his dreams, whilst learning that to be good at something we need to work hard and occasionally push ourselves beyond what we think we can achieve.. all whilst keeping our sanity and not looking like a crazy overprotective mama & personal cheerleader/ mr miyagi figure?! 

In my search of answers I read many online articles,  read "Battle Hymn of Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua and I spoke to so many felllow mummies who seem to be in the exact same position as me... and it hit me!!Maybe there is no perfect balance!  Perhaps there is no perfect answer, just like there is no perfect mummy (accept it kay, you're human!!)

 Every child is different, independent and have their own dreams, ideas and personal limitations. We all need to find balance with our kids ourselves, there is no manual... seriously if someone could write one, I'd be appreciative!

So here's what I'm going to do...

1: speak to cub and ask him! I know him so well and know he will not be bothered either way but I think this is part of the problem, I think he is just so easy going that maybe he needs some structure to start him on this first taster of physical training.

2: compromise. Ok so let's do this gymnastics team, it's 6 hours training a week but let's meet in the middle... let's sign up until December and then review. If he hates it then in December it's done and we will find something he enjoys. But then I question that too... is that giving up?!! Do we make him do a full year and then decide?? Am I overthinking this?! Yes... he's 7! Kay, wise up! 

3: "I won't let you skip training because you can't be bothered... if I'm willing to sit in a concrete hall with your 5 year old sister, trying constantly to keep her amused whilst also ensuring that I'm comfortable as there is a 7month old ninja currently baking and kicking inside my womb, then you can do a few flips and jumps"

Even now when I'm re-reading this I have the two voices in my head! The "Earth mum" in me is telling me to stop overthinking this and just let him explore gymnastics and allow him the opportunity to explore other sports and most importantly have fun and not be stressed.

And then the other side of me... let's call her "kitten mum" (Tiger mum is too scary for me!) and she wants him to follow through with this and see what comes of it. If he gives up because he thinks it's hard, will he then just give up with everything?? Is that setting him up to be a failure in life; someone that expects things handed to them and doesn't fully appreciate the virtue of hard work and dedication....And there we have it... the crazy voice has entered the arena!! 😂

Then I have another realisation,  Maybe it's all about grit! I've seen Angela Duckworth's Ted talk and it was inspired and I think maybe that's what I should be teaching my kids, grit & perseverance. 

Grit, as described by Duckworth, is passion and drive for very long term goals; grit is viewing life as a marathon and not merely a sprint and success is not defined by your IQ, looks or social background. Maybe I need to help him realise that knuckling down and working hard to achieve large goals can help you not only get better at the sport/art they are practising but also help them later in life when setting personal goals and dreams?

So to conclude, I will support Cub and encourage him to try his very best with gymnastics. I am not expecting him to be a gold winning Olympian by the end of the year but I do want him to see that hard work can result in improvements and these improvements can bring about enjoyment as he can see how better he is. 

Also, I may give him the odd teacher look if needs be during training; after teaching for years, I have a cracking look that can do more than any words! Money doesn't grow on trees (I'm a parent now so I get to bust out these nuggets from my youth!) and he has to listen and do as he is told by his coaches as they want the best for him and for him to make the most of his time.

I feel I will 100% revisit this topic in the future as I think finding the balance for your child is just so bloody hard and everyone's views of "what's right" is different and individualised to their own munchkins and I'm sure our balance will change over time. But for the meantime, I'm happy to be a mum with a sprinkling of tiger mother /earth mother and perhaps even a dash of Mary poppins! I'll be pushy but not a forceful bitch, supportive but promise I won't wear "cub" embossed shirts and make signs for training and I will try and make sure there is always an element of fun!  Ha... good luck with that one, Kay!!

              Wishing all you tiger parents,  earth parents  and kitten parents a great week!
                                                                     Love,
                                                                         Kay