Mum, where do babies come from?

From the second I found out we were pregnant (well, maybe 5 hours later, once the shock subsided) I have been dreading this question. I knew it would come my way and I knew I had to be ready!

I am a primary school teacher and have taught "the birds & the bees" to a class of 11 year old kids so felt confident with the task ahead. (Haha!!! Again I am writing this and reflecting on my naivety! It's so different when it's your own babies; when it's someone else's, you can just fob them off by saying, "maybe ask your mummy or daddy?".. no fobbing this time Ashton!)

First port of call was my children's school library, let's see what we can find here I thought...I was horrified!! Semen soldiers invading my insides on the hunt for a rogue egg! A daddy seed shooting along a water slide to find the mummy seed in the love pool!?! WTF?!

All of these analogies not only had me in a cold sweat but they also helped me to realise that I had to face this head on. I needed to respect that sex is something that is completely natural and not something that can be discussed as it's too shameful or embarrassing.

Mission 1

Introduce the "correct" name! 

All parents give "special parts" a different name and these are perfectly fine but I decided that the first step was to introduce the biological names. I honestly haven't got a scooby why I did this; maybe it's because I wanted to make these chats less childlike or animated, either way, we did it. 

Flower, wee wee, hooha, todger, trouser snake, dong, tulip,... the names are out there and there are so many! The names of choice in our family were toodle and flower; ah how I miss those innocent days! "Jacob, you have a penis and Sienna you have a vagina". 

After approx 15 minutes of giggles they accepted the new words although 15 minutes after that they had been changed to "peanut" and "Virginia"...

("Who has what? All About Girls' Bodies and Boys' Bodies" by Robbie H Harris was a helpful tool for discussing "bits and bobs").

Mission 2

Tell the kids we are preggo!

This was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to hide. I was vomiting at least 10 times a day; in the car, in bushes at school, in every toilet in every mall in Bangkok and once, and much to my horror, my handbag (said bag is now in the trash).

We decided to keep the secret until the day of the sonogram and once we knew bubba was healthy, they kids joined us in the room. Their reactions were perfect and it was a moment I'll treasure forever. However as soon as we got home the questions began.. "but how did it get in there? Can I make a baby too?" Oh crap!

Mission 3

Get in there before their friends do!

I knew as soon as the kids told their friends they would be inundated with questions and misinformation . Our first taste of this was when both of my kids ran to me screaming at the top of their voices, "it's fine! We know how it's coming out, you're going to poop it!?"  Oh double crap! 

I have to honest and admit that I decided to be semi honest; I told them the baby is coming out of my tummy. Many women have C sections but I have a natural birth planned but let's not be bogged down by technicalities shall we?! Explaining the details of a natural birth is way too harrowing for a child, my 36 year old husband still has nightmares from the maternity suite!

Mission 4

How did it get in there??

When a Mummy & a Daddy really love each other they can make a baby. Daddy has a seed and mummy has an egg and when they are together, a baby is made.

"Wow mummy! You must really love daddy! You've loved him 3 times!!"  "Yes kids, 3 times and every time the result was a baby; just like every other set of parents in the world, including my own".

I would like to thank the creators of "Storks" and "Boss Baby", 2 recent movies which give different explanations to procreation, thus allowing me to dodge any further questioning of a potentially graphic nature. My kids are satisfied knowing that our baby was made because I love Daddy, it's growing in my belly and it will pop out in approximately 10 weeks. (They aren't exactly sure how the stork or the suited child come into play from the movies they've watched but they are excited either way).

For a 7 and a soon to be 5 year old, I'm happy with this. I know I will need to explain details slightly more in depth in time and I can't wait for my kids to witness the horror/beauty of breastfeeding! But I'll deal with that bridge when we come to it.
                     Love,
                             Kay