"So, what do you do??"
"So what do you do?"
This has become a question I have been asked many times whilst moving abroad and have to be honest, it's my least favourite. Since moving to Thailand, as an accompanying wife, people are always keen to know what I do as a career. A few years ago, this question would have been a breeze to answer, "primary school teacher" and this would then have led on to more questions about what school i taught in, which year group did I teach and we would always then get into the debate about the amount of weeks holiday I got each year!!
But now, as soon as I say "stay at home mum" .. the reactions always seem similar; there may be follow on questions about my kids and then I'm asked, "so what do you do with all your time??"
"All my time" is generally made up of visiting several different supermarkets as only some source the items we need or trust, taking care of our home, cooking, transporting my children to their play dates (and these kids have a way better social life than me!), visiting the local veg/fruit market in attempt to keep my family healthy, pregnancy check ups at the hospital (here in Thailand they can be an entire day in itself!) and my favourite activity of all, sitting in Bangkok traffic (this can easily take 2-3 hours out of my day; it's glorious!!) and on top of this, I've kept 2 kids alive for the past 7 years! Fed, watered, clean (most of the time), happy (most of the time) and helped them learn to not be complete assholes (most of the time).
"All my time" is generally made up of visiting several different supermarkets as only some source the items we need or trust, taking care of our home, cooking, transporting my children to their play dates (and these kids have a way better social life than me!), visiting the local veg/fruit market in attempt to keep my family healthy, pregnancy check ups at the hospital (here in Thailand they can be an entire day in itself!) and my favourite activity of all, sitting in Bangkok traffic (this can easily take 2-3 hours out of my day; it's glorious!!) and on top of this, I've kept 2 kids alive for the past 7 years! Fed, watered, clean (most of the time), happy (most of the time) and helped them learn to not be complete assholes (most of the time).
I've always been perplexed by this time question as I'm sure when my husband says he is a lawyer, people don't instantly question him on how he fills his day?!
Last week, during a lovely coffee catch up with a friend (an incredibly incredibly talented person) we discussed this very thing and she told me she felt she had lost her skill set and hated the same question as me for that reason. This stunned me; how could she not see all the amazing qualities and skills she possesses? All the amazing things she does for others and all that she does day in, day out for her family?? She is their cook, personal shopper, nutritionalist, tutor, psychologist, (psychiatrist at times), cheerleader, nurse, party planner, personal secretary, the list is endless.. all of this whilst remembering to keep sane, try and remember to eat, train to keep fit, have a social life, keep on top of all family events and activities (including those of husband's because lets be honest, he never remember Great Aunt Mildred's birthday!), try to be a good wife, a good friend... and, like i said, the list is endless!
She had a successful career before she became a mum and chose to be a SAHM, how can she had forgotten about that? But this is soooooo common! So many women I have met in the last two years feel lost and that, in some way, they have lost some of their identity.
It's really bizarre for me personally as I am the happiest I have ever been, in my marriage, with my kids and with the person I am (minus the social awkwardness, awful jokes, grey hairs, melasma and newly discovered cellulite!!) but I feel like over the last two years, I've lost part of my identity. I think always being referred to as "Jacob or Sienna's mummy" has eventually played a role in this loss of identity. Please don't think that I view being a mummy as a negative, that's the last thing I feel. I adore being a mum, I love everything about it; it's the hardest thing I've ever done but when I look at those babies, I could burst.
But for me, as a woman, I find it difficult to not have my own job title or income. My husband has never had an issue with me having no income but I do; I miss contributing financially and will never buy things for myself without weighing up whether or not I really need it or not.
I'm sure some of you reading this think I'm being f*cking ridiculous and I have to put a stop to this and I agree whole heartedly! But where to start??
As SAHMs we work our asses off and don't give ourselves the credit we deserve. We work hard and yes, it's work, it's a job... a job that we can't take a sickie from or even a vacation from; it's 24/7.
(If you have a few minutes after reading this, I highly recommend you read the attached link; it's beautiful and a viewpoint on a SAHM's worth we rarely hear about.)
This SAHM life is not forever and I know in the blink of an eye my kids will be grown and no longer need me to be home all day and we will be in a situation where I will be able to work (work permits etc are tricky here and I'm currently knocked up so not the best time to be on the job market!)
So let's embrace this amazing opportunity and choose to do things that interest us, things we might not readily give ourselves time to pursue.
At the grand age of 35, I am proud to state that I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up; but I'm determined to make this expat adventure count and help me realise what it is I want to do.
I completely appreciate that many women juggle full time jobs and being a mummy & that's a challenge I can't even imagine. I have friends that went back to work and experience terrible mummy guilt and some days just want to be at home with their babies whilst also embracing the delights of water cooler adult conversations, solo bathroom trips & financial independence.
Both roles are challenging and, as women, we all need to support each other whether we are SAHM or WM! We are all mums and we do what's best for our families and we can't make judgements on this as all families are different but all striving for the same thing; happy & healthy kids.
So, the next time someone asks me what I do, I will I will stand a little bit taller and say "I'm a SAHM"; it's a title I shouldn't ever be embarrassed or ashamed of; either that or I'll say I'm the Managing Director of the Ashton Household; it all depends whether or not I'm in a smart ass mood or not!
Wishing you all a great weekend,
Love, Kay
Wishing you all a great weekend,
Love, Kay
(Thank you to my wonderful bestie for this! "Too Pretty To Work"... who wouldn't love this mug?!)
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