The Monkey on My Back (aka Mummy Guilt)

Dear Monkey on my back,

The urban dictionary defines “mom guilt” as “guilt a mother feels anytime she takes time to do something for herself, outside of work, that does not involve her children”

Hahahahahahahahaha!! This was either A: written by a man (sorry guys) or B: a bloody comedian, because this is just the tip of guilt iceberg!

Mummy guilt has become the “monkey on my back”, a constant in my life since the day my son was born 7 years ago. Then it was guilt about breast feeding (have I done it for too long? Should I have done it for longer?) Did I introduce the “right” foods at the right time? At every baby  class I worried why my child wasn’t rolling over yet? Sitting unaided? Crawling? Walking? I feel bad for not talking him to baby massage class! Would sign language classes developed his brain into that of a future genius? I never opened that baby Einstein DVD, will he be the thick kid in class now?! Was I wrong to let him eat that worm in the garden just to prove a point that they did taste like shit?!

Looking back now I am genuinely surprised that both he and I made it out of that first year alive & with our sanity (well I’m sure some of you may debate that!)

Then there came our second child. I now had the guilt of worrying that my toddler would feel neglected and my newborn would be dragged up! 

Was she getting enough of my time? Did I take her to the right classes? Should I buy her her own toys instead of always giving her her brother’s hand me downs? I used to only use organic veg for my son’s purees, I have no time for that, baby food sachets will be fine.. right? 

With our 3rd child due any day now, I honestly feel the guilt of my impending guilt crippling. Will I have enough time for my 2 kids? Will the lack of sleep turn me into a complete psycho bitch? 

Everyday I am wracked by guilt and I know it can’t be just me, right?! To give you a quick insight, let’s share some of my week:

*My daughter was diagnosed with a middle ear infection, the dr asked why I didn’t take her in sooner (she hadn’t complained of an earache but his face and slight headshake spoke volumes...cheers Doc!)

* I didn’t put suncream on my kids when it was overcast by the pool and they got burnt.

* I forgot to charge their iPads for a 2 hour car trip (which ended up being a 5 hour trip due to Bangkok traffic)

*I let my kids have a McDonald’s happy meal at 9.30am

*I sent my kids to the hotel kid’s club so I could have a bath in peace

* I was too tired to go to the market so we didn’t have any fresh fruit this week

* I was too tired that I didn’t join the kids and my husband upstairs for a bedtime story.. twice!

* I let them watch too much tv (we even allowed them to watch “Meet the Parents” this week, Focker is their new word!?! Eek!)

* My kids have definitely not had their 5 a day (maybe not even 5 this week to be completely honest!)

* I allowed myself to get upset and shouted at my son when he told me a white lie in an attempt to stay out of trouble

* I made my daughter cry as I threatened to sell her to the circus 

*I ate all my children’s candy from a birthday bag and told them they must have eaten it (please remember I am a pregnant monster and only sugar can tame the beast at 11pm)

* I daily question whether I support my kids too little or not enough with their schooling as I don’t give them homework or push them academically in any way... they are 5 & 7 and being kids is the most important thing to me.. is that right?? Who knows...

* I forgot about school photo day and allowed my daughter to do her own hair, I think 9 hair clips and a side sweeped fringe the likes that Trump would be proud of will look perfect in the class photo! 

(Please feel free to play along!! I am truly a winner at this cheeky little bingo game!!)

I have read that mummy guilt should be embraced as it keeps us humble (by reminding us that we are not perfect), reminds us that we feel this way as we care so much, enables us to identify our weaknesses and grow; but for me, it shows that I’m a bloody idiot!!

Why do I let myself get into such a tizz?? So what if my kids had McDonald’s or I didn’t want to play barbie for the 10th time last Tuesday? Will that really scar them for life??

(I need to note that this is one place where my mummy guilt is strongest. I don’t play with my kids enough. To clarify, I will play board games and imaginary games of school or restaurants with them but when it comes to sitting on the floor and playing with princesses and superheroes, I’m out!! There are just too many rules, too many unspoken secrets that I am oblivious to.. “Mummy, she wouldn’t say that!”  “That’s wrong, mummy, he should be here!”

So to the monkey on my back, yes I know you are there. I know I will continue to question everything I do,  beat myself up and make a ridiculous amount of mistakes but I will continue to remember to try and go easy on myself, continue to eat all the candy in the house when the kids are asleep, threaten to sell my kids to the circus and love them will all my heart.

Love,

Kay